Thursday, October 27, 2005

Neck Breather's Club

I went to the ATM this afternoon...

Q: ATM? What for?
A: Play tetris.
Q: Ah.
A: No, you idiot. Withdraw money.

Anyway, while I was pressing the digits for the pin code, I felt a weird pressing feeling behind my neck, like a nose. I turned around, and right behind me, was a nose--attached to a guy who had his face about 2 miimetres away from me, the same distance I was from the screen when I watched Jessica Alba's scene in Sin City.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one who enjoys breathing up people's neck, as evident by the 4 other guys behind him who are practically an erection away from making contact with each other. These people, (proud?) members of the Neck Breathers Club AKA the NBC mystify me. How could closing in on the guy in front of you (and BREAAAATHING on his neck) make him go any faster? God knows I'm trying my best to withdraw the money. In fact, I'd open the machine up and just grab some 50 ringgit notes and walk away, but apparently that's illegal in all 14 (15?) states and 2 (3?) federal territories in Malaysia, so, like everybody else I have to push in the pincode, enter the amount, get my card, make some tea, then get my money, so I'd appreciate it if you would keep your distance.

My view is not mine alone, by the way. According to a recent survey done by the C Carcinogen Times, 94% of people "do not enjoy being an inch away from being violated in a public place when there's so much fucking space goddamnit would you move away a little?"

Of course, that survey is false, and I inserted it because I have nothing better to do, so we can ignore it. But according to an unofficial survey I did this afternoon, with the sample being 4 people, including me, I found out that 100% of people "hate having somebody breathe down your neck when you're lining up on the ATM god knows I'm not moving any faster." (Survey also indicated that 100% of the sample find chocolate chip cookies "tasty and somewhat satisfying")

So, you see???? The numbers back me up! Back the fuck up! No grinding in public! The line will only move faster if for some god forsaken reason Jessica Alba happened to line up behind me and said, "Let's get married for no particular reason," to which I'll reply, "Ok," which will lead to us having hot, wild, passionate sex and then opening a joint bank account, thus reducing one person from the line.

But until that happens, or quadruplegic bears can form a string quartet then release a record then perform at Carnegie Hall, let's keep our distance. At least 20 feet, or enough space to fit in 4 Sharifah Aini's and 1 Siti Nurhaliza, belly to belly to belly to belly to (some) bosom.

2 Comments:

Blogger Raksha said...

Aah...how true. It doesn't help that I'm pint size and most ppl tower over me. So when I'm at the ATM I do my best to hurry but nooo..sometimes some idiot at the back would breathe down my neck, as if my boobs somehow magically shifted to the back to provide him with some peek-a-boo cleavage. Bah. Sodding wankers.

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*silly grin*

ur posts are always funny... even when you rant abt religion...

*cheers*

11:34 PM  

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