Thursday, October 27, 2005

Neck Breather's Club

I went to the ATM this afternoon...

Q: ATM? What for?
A: Play tetris.
Q: Ah.
A: No, you idiot. Withdraw money.

Anyway, while I was pressing the digits for the pin code, I felt a weird pressing feeling behind my neck, like a nose. I turned around, and right behind me, was a nose--attached to a guy who had his face about 2 miimetres away from me, the same distance I was from the screen when I watched Jessica Alba's scene in Sin City.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one who enjoys breathing up people's neck, as evident by the 4 other guys behind him who are practically an erection away from making contact with each other. These people, (proud?) members of the Neck Breathers Club AKA the NBC mystify me. How could closing in on the guy in front of you (and BREAAAATHING on his neck) make him go any faster? God knows I'm trying my best to withdraw the money. In fact, I'd open the machine up and just grab some 50 ringgit notes and walk away, but apparently that's illegal in all 14 (15?) states and 2 (3?) federal territories in Malaysia, so, like everybody else I have to push in the pincode, enter the amount, get my card, make some tea, then get my money, so I'd appreciate it if you would keep your distance.

My view is not mine alone, by the way. According to a recent survey done by the C Carcinogen Times, 94% of people "do not enjoy being an inch away from being violated in a public place when there's so much fucking space goddamnit would you move away a little?"

Of course, that survey is false, and I inserted it because I have nothing better to do, so we can ignore it. But according to an unofficial survey I did this afternoon, with the sample being 4 people, including me, I found out that 100% of people "hate having somebody breathe down your neck when you're lining up on the ATM god knows I'm not moving any faster." (Survey also indicated that 100% of the sample find chocolate chip cookies "tasty and somewhat satisfying")

So, you see???? The numbers back me up! Back the fuck up! No grinding in public! The line will only move faster if for some god forsaken reason Jessica Alba happened to line up behind me and said, "Let's get married for no particular reason," to which I'll reply, "Ok," which will lead to us having hot, wild, passionate sex and then opening a joint bank account, thus reducing one person from the line.

But until that happens, or quadruplegic bears can form a string quartet then release a record then perform at Carnegie Hall, let's keep our distance. At least 20 feet, or enough space to fit in 4 Sharifah Aini's and 1 Siti Nurhaliza, belly to belly to belly to belly to (some) bosom.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

You cannot beat your old man at his own game

My dad: (Revs up old second hand Mercedes which broke down 23 times 2 hours after being bought.) Bah, masuklah.
CC: Ini? Bukan hiasan seja ka ni? Oh...(Looks around car. Fake enthusiasm.)
My dad: (Sarcastic smile) Masuk. Jangan banyak cakap.
CC: (Closes door) Bukan sudah mati enjin banyak kali ka benda ni? Kalau mati tengah highway, macam mana?
My dad:: Itulah saya ambil kau. Supaya boleh kasi sorong ni kereta nanti. Kau ingat kenapa?
CC: WTF%&^(&^(*&$(!*& (Shuts his yap)
Dad: (Smug smile. Tallies the score since the day I was born: Dad: 4762. CC: 2)

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Don't wanna get embarrassed? Make sure you have friends from other races

Ok, my housemate, J, bless his soul, is a nice guy. He's a Chinese guy, who went to sekolah rendah Cina, sekolah menengah Cina, kolej Cina...I mean, The Premier Affordable Private College AKA TARC, and so he doesn't hang out that much with Malays, which he told me, so he told me he's not really sure what we Malays do/know/read/watch, and that is relevant to this story.

Well, last Monday night, I was watching Project A on tv, you know, that Jackie Chan movie where there was this classic scene (to me, at least) where there were these gangsters chasing Jackie, and they were all going around in bicycles through back alleys and Jackie pwned them all while keeping his ass on the seat 90% of the time.

So there I was, laughing at this movie eventhough I've watched it nearly 7 million times, which always makes it seem as if I've never watched it before. And that was probably what went through my housemate's mind, because he then came and sat on the couch on my right and asked me, "You know that guy ah? quite famous one."

Now on the tv there was Yuen Bao and Sammo Hung in the same scene as Jackie, and I thought, "(read this with a reverbing voice, by the way) Well, maybe he's asking me about Yuen Bao or Sammo, they're not that famous here, he can't possibly be talking about..."

"JACKIE CHAN! Very famous actor!"

And when I heard me tell me that, I just laughed and laughed...because god! How could he think I don't know Jackie Chan! Everybody in Asia knows Jackie! I practically grew up imitating his moves! I jumped off my cupboard and tore the sole of my feet off because I wanted to be him!

Laughing at him, or rather, his comment probably was too much, because he seemed pretty embarrassed after that, which made me laugh even more. He probably thought that he offended me, which isn't true, because he just seemed like those innocent guys who rarely mix with other races, and thus don't know what I know.

I bet he doesn't know that growing up, 3/4 of my friends are Chinese, because I happen to do things which always makes me bump in with them. Like playing basketball, passing my tests so I always get into the top science know, the usual Chinese jig. I don't have that many Indian friends, because, according to my Indian friend Pre...I mean, Master P, the government don't care about Indians and so they keep them in the "ghetto's". By the way, Master P always does the Westside sign to me, and I always wonder what does he mean by Westside. Klang?

Egads. But I digress. I wanted to say to J, "You bet I only listen to XPDC and Kromok right? Eh, and tomorrow how about we indulge in some Chinese delicacies like mooncake. Then later you can talk about the hot Malay bitches that you saw today because frankly you think we're aight rite?" but that guy got enough for one day. I'll let him go this time.

Aw, cmon J! It was funny! Funny! Don't run to your room. Cmon man! We'll mumble some Jay Chou lyrics today! Bonding! Bonding!

Ah, god, I love that guy.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Asians are obsessed with your mother's pussy

Let me repeat the title: we Asians are obsessed with your mother's pussy. Yes, it's true, your mother!

Think about it. Anytime you get pissed, things don't turn out like you want, or you meet some jerk, what do you say? (We'll stick with Asian languages, to help preserve our culture) Machibai. Pukimak, KNNCCB (fuck your mother's pussy, or something like that). The few most common swear words used in Malaysia, but only because we outnumber the Indians.

Is the pussy so sacred, just saying it is offensive? I was saying pukimak since I was a kid, without knowing what it means, but I love the look adult's get when I say it.

Oh, and let me bring you down my memory lane for awhile for no good reason. Like everyone, I found out about the functions of our ehem-ehem's via friends, and, uhm, documentaries. But besides finding out about the recreational functions (like writing your name with your pee...), I also finally found out where I came out from: the pussy.

Now that was important for me, because if not, I'd still believe my mum's story (This is true, by the way. Me believing it, not the story, you dolt). When I asked my mum where I came out from, she didn't tell me the stork story. Instead, she told me......




are you ready for this?




Now take a deep breath, and sip your drink.




She told me that she CRAPPED ME OUT.

Just like that. She was doing her business, she got up, turned to flush, then hey, guess what I found in the toilet bowl today, honey. I thought, "Hey, no wonder I'm brown." Which, for awhile, made me wonder if Chinese people had yellow crap.

Hey, I was 5, cut me some slack. And my mum was nearly correct too, by the way. She was only 2 inches off.

Ok, now back to cussing.

You see, Asians, we're too obvious when we're cussing. All we ever do is point out your mother's pussy. Why can't we emulate the Americans? They get pissed, they shout MOTHERFUCKER!

They don't just say your mother's got a pussy. They know you know your mother's got a smelly pussy (how do they know? Hell, even I don't know. Do you have a habit of smelling my mum's pussy? Ewww, you're gross). They imply it, subtly. They're saying: "We both know your mum's got a pussy, and it's smelly, and we're gonna make you FUCK IT!"

Where's our manners, people? Be more subtle next time!