Friday, July 01, 2005

Where my balls at?

...

Holy fuck.

HOLY FUCK.

Like, HOOOOOLLY FUCK. It's not like seeing Jesus, damnit. It's like seeing Jesus, Buddha and the whole religious deity Dream Team ('96 BC, baby) with their visions of hell and lightning bolts of destruction and scimitar of glory coming down to slamdunk atheistic idiots like me to hell and back.

Have you read her???

I mean, almighty Baal, this woman makes me feel that I've been misusing my cuss words. It's like making left turns all your life with your car, then somebody points out that it can turn to your right too. AND AND AND it can reverse

Whoa.

Or like when you were 15 and you find out how you can use the ALT+TAB button when you're surfing porn on the internet to change your browser windows to cover your porn windows, then when your mum comes in to check you, you nimbly switch it and slip your dong into your pants in one motion, instead of slip dong in, click mouse to change window, in that order.

Whoa.

Or like finding out that Arjen Robben only had one testicle

Whoa whoa whoa! No wonder the speed! Can you believe his aerodynamics?

And then you hear shouting from inside your pants, then you open it and you see your balls revolting, wanting to find a new owner, waving tiny little placards, claiming that it feels ashamed to be connected to you.

This woman ain't a woman. You know Ashanti and Topanga? They're just her overly developed balls. Hell, her balls are so massive, they grow on her chest so they can show off to the world just how massive they are. (By the way, which one's the left one, which one's the right one? Hello? Topanga? You sound like you're on the right.)

I can't cuss anymore. I don't deserve it. Saying motherfucker feels juvenile for me. It's like when you were 7, and you thought saying penis was funny, because that's how grown-ups say wee-wee (hehe, wee-wee).

See???

I have to learn how to properly cuss again. I'll have to learn how to include it in every single sentence I use.

I'll have to use it more properly and more often, so much so that people will go, "CC, you bitch, you're using a proper word again."

I have to. Because if not, my balls swore they will leave me.

I wish I'm making this one up.

3 Comments:

Blogger eyeris said...

Why swear in English when you can swear in OTHER languages? nothing more satisfying than swearing at someone in polish and him thinking you said something nice when you actually called him a Goddamn cock-sucking motherfucking son-of-a-bitch whore. Heh.

damn, now i need to wash my mouth out...

11:17 PM  
Blogger Captain Carcinogen said...

really? well fik dish

my german friend thought me that. i think thats how you spell it. or say it. in fact, i dont remember if it was anything close to fik dish. probably i was telling him how do u say fuck u in german and he went "fix a dish! germans hate home-cooking!"

hello, anyone here speak german? or do i need to make fun of u first before u'll correct me?

11:37 PM  
Blogger Su-Yin said...

You're right, Topanga is the right one.

3:28 AM  

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