Saturday, July 16, 2005

How to solve the problems of the Malays

CC: anyway, u watch tv lately?
CC: "umno: malay agenda"
*Censored*: no, what's it about?
CC: um...supposedly umno gonna have a meeting about malay agenda
CC: again
CC: i dont know why
*Censored*: oh, it's because the umno vote season is coming in
CC: hahaha
CC: shit
CC: does it matter?
CC: i mean, how about telling malays to start marrying chinese, indians and other bumis
CC: that way, the problem would be spread out
*Censored*: hahaha
CC: and ppl would feel a lot better having a malaysian problem, instead of a malay problem
CC: wait, i gotta write that down

See? If the government would've bothered to think laterally, they'll know that if there aren't any "pure" Malays, then there can't be any Malay dilemma! Only a Malaysian dilemma!

Monday, July 04, 2005

This post has no structure

I read that Prince Harry had to go through a DNA test to ensure that he really is Prince Charles's kid. Well, duh. Have you seen Prince Charles? No way in hell you'd connect him as his daddy. Look, if I was the queen, if I'd look at Charles, then at Harry, I too would go, "Man, that ain't right."

Now let's see what's in the news today, The Star placed a huge ass picture of the national cheerleading championship on the front page. For what? Look, who gives shit about cheerleaders? All they do is shout and bitch and jump around. "Look at us! We're jumping in tights, making pyramids and spelling words! Hooray!"

Then there's the picture of the All-Boys group who won third. On it were the boys, in tights, with placards saying "FIGHT". Fight? For what? Gay rights? I thought the government would've stopped the boys competition already by now.

Heard the Sky Kingdom cult got raided. Supposedly, unlike our government's beautification unit, they don't have the proper permit to spend millions of ringgit to build useless 10-foot high monuments.

Anyway, Negri Sembilan is now promoted to the Super League. Wow, that's awesome. They got promoted from worse to bad. That's an improvement. Woo hoo! Pop the champagne's, people!

Hell, you gotta pity the guy who got beaten up by 4 Kuwaitis because the kid mistakenly identified him as his sodomiser. But hey, that kid's new here, ok? It's not his fault all of the Chinese people look the same to him. And I think the rapist was stupid in sodomizing a boy. I mean, that kid's Kuwaiti. You know you don't rape a Kuwaiti boy. Take a girl, because then they'll kill her instead.

Why do they have "For Men" signs on products? Shouldn't we automatically know what smell is good for a guy? When was the last time you've seen a guy going to the soap rack, smelling a soap, then go, "Ok, that one's for me. The jasmine and ylang ylang totally captures my essence."

***

Shit. I'd like to go for a swim, but I can't. The water in the apartment's swiming pool is emerald green. Maybe they should rename it the communal bathtub, that'll be more apt.

And it's really freaky seeing these dudes wearing Speedo's the size of a large thong sashaying around the poolside, with the expression on their face as if somebody just stole their new tri-pack of Speedo's. Even weird is seeing these guys who do nothing but get into the pool...and then talk. Right there. In the middle. In fact, from their tone, I think they were having some serious conversation.

Now wouldn't it be great if world leaders did that too? "Damnit, Kofi, get in your Speedos. North Korea's gonna launch a nuclear strike."

Saturday, July 02, 2005

You guys are fucked up

Seriously.

I know this, because I'm vain like to know the kind of people who come to my site. So I installed the statcounter to keep track of you guys.

And I believed that healthy, sane people would get here.

But nooo...

I checked the keywords that some people used in the search engine which lead them here. What did I find?

"Amber chia naked nudity."

I mean, damn. I hate that woman. I hate her skin, her face, her nose, her lips, her hair, her lips, her eyes, her lips her lips her lips can I see somebody else's lips for once? If it was, "amber chia hung maimed blown up ", hell, I'll be cool with you.

But I thought, nah, letting her fans read about how much I hate her is cool. So I let that slide.

Next, after I wrote about the cutest niece in the whole wide world (mine, of course), guess what keywords lead them here?

"cute kid paedophile"

I'll be damned. So some sick bastards come here. And I thought, well, at least I showed them that liking a kid doesn't need to include carnal needs. So I let that slide too.

But then, this happened today:



What the fuck?

captain fuck girls pps?

Who in their right mind would search for that? Is the picture of me fucking, penis going in and out a pussy, hips flexing and thrusting, legs pumping, face screwed up like the girl I'm fucking had belacan then farted turn you on? Does the picture of me doing the PPS girls drive you wild, make you want to wank like silly, screaming oh yesyesyesyesyesyesohyes CAPTAIN! (say my name, baby, say my name)

I mean, yeah, I know I'm sexy and all that *COUGH* *COUGH* but did you seriously think I'd actually post pictures of it, or do a tell all? Not that I've ever did any PPS girls. Non-PPS girls, perhaps. But I do remember this one blog where this girl was complaining about a guy with a small penis but the stamina of a racehorse. Hmm...

Man, whoever you are, who happened to use Google in Turkish (group is Gruplar! Yeni!) you must be one sick freak. BUTBUTBUT if you're a hot woman with a banging body and wouldn't mind explaining it to me over dinner, wine and some, uhm, back massage with baby oil and light ambient music in the background, I might let this slip.

Maybe, just maybe. No guarantees here.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Where my balls at?

...

Holy fuck.

HOLY FUCK.

Like, HOOOOOLLY FUCK. It's not like seeing Jesus, damnit. It's like seeing Jesus, Buddha and the whole religious deity Dream Team ('96 BC, baby) with their visions of hell and lightning bolts of destruction and scimitar of glory coming down to slamdunk atheistic idiots like me to hell and back.

Have you read her???

I mean, almighty Baal, this woman makes me feel that I've been misusing my cuss words. It's like making left turns all your life with your car, then somebody points out that it can turn to your right too. AND AND AND it can reverse

Whoa.

Or like when you were 15 and you find out how you can use the ALT+TAB button when you're surfing porn on the internet to change your browser windows to cover your porn windows, then when your mum comes in to check you, you nimbly switch it and slip your dong into your pants in one motion, instead of slip dong in, click mouse to change window, in that order.

Whoa.

Or like finding out that Arjen Robben only had one testicle

Whoa whoa whoa! No wonder the speed! Can you believe his aerodynamics?

And then you hear shouting from inside your pants, then you open it and you see your balls revolting, wanting to find a new owner, waving tiny little placards, claiming that it feels ashamed to be connected to you.

This woman ain't a woman. You know Ashanti and Topanga? They're just her overly developed balls. Hell, her balls are so massive, they grow on her chest so they can show off to the world just how massive they are. (By the way, which one's the left one, which one's the right one? Hello? Topanga? You sound like you're on the right.)

I can't cuss anymore. I don't deserve it. Saying motherfucker feels juvenile for me. It's like when you were 7, and you thought saying penis was funny, because that's how grown-ups say wee-wee (hehe, wee-wee).

See???

I have to learn how to properly cuss again. I'll have to learn how to include it in every single sentence I use.

I'll have to use it more properly and more often, so much so that people will go, "CC, you bitch, you're using a proper word again."

I have to. Because if not, my balls swore they will leave me.

I wish I'm making this one up.

pure pwnage

so liek this guy liek he totally pwnz right so he made liek a show about pwning n00bz? n u really gota check dis 1 out cos in dis 1, dis guy they liek made a parody of kill bill, n it was so cool how teh master when he said, "if u eat like a n00b, youll be pwned liek a n00b." lololol.

but uh u gona need liek a program to liek dl teh bittorrent, and teh new divx which liek totally pwnz. teh movies theyre liek 100mb+ rite so u gonna liek need a broadband conection 2 dl it n if u dont haev a broadband conection then u must be a n00b lolol.