Thursday, June 09, 2005

My niece is cuter than your niece, and have I told you I can make a good soufflé?

Note: This post is about my niece, who is the cutest 2-year-old niece in the whole wide world, and how wonderful I am. If you disagree, then, uh...you're a big doo-doo head! (hee hee, doo-doo head)

My niece recently got herself a jigsaw-puzzle set, and because I'm such a lovable uncle, she always calls me to help her finish it, and I always say yes, because how can you say no to the cutest 2-year-old niece in the whole wide world?

In uncle terms (if you have the cutest 2-year-old niece in the whole wide world, that is), "help" means she'll pour out the contents of the jigsaw from the box out, and I'll piece the whole thing together, then let her have the honour of putting the last piece in (awww...see how sweet I am?)

Of course, we do this always (awww...see how sweet I am?) because she is my favourite (only) niece, and I am her favourite uncle, because when she was born, I saw how cute she was so I deported her other uncles to Myanmar to eliminate competition for her affection. Here is how I duped them into going there.

Me: Hey, I'm sending you guys to a sweat shop...I mean, I got tickets for a tour that passes by a clothing factory. It's Gap. Really
One of the losers: It's in Myanmar. I don't want to go to Myanmar.
Me: They give free t-shirts.
One of the losers: Oh, ok. Let me pack.

I heard there are a lot of kids there, so they should be ok.

When she's bored of telling me how slow I am putting together the jigsaw, her grandma can do it faster (it's true!), we'll sit together and watch educational documentaries on the tv, like WWE, where we learn that being body-slammed across the ring is VERY VERY PAINFUL and you should not attempt it in real life, unless you have laid out two queen size matresses on the floor and your mother is out.

Then we play GTA and run down some hookers. I find the game has some useful life values to teach her, like making sure to back up over the guy you ran over, so there'll be no witnesses.

Recently, my niece has been seen roaming the neighbourhood on her tricycle (it's pink with frilly handles!), picking up stray cats then throwing them on the asphalt before running them over with her tricycle (it's pink with frilly handles!), making sure to back over them.

I swear, I don't know where she learnt that from. We only play Solitaire on my computer.

Nieces are wonderful, because you get to play with a cute little kid, but you don't have to change its diapers. In heaven, if there is a god that is, I imagine everybody would be given a niece who'll stay as a 2-year-old forever. People who go to hell will then be ordered to change your niece's diapers.

God: Your sins have outweighed your good deeds. You will now change Captain Carcinogen's niece's poo-pooed diaper for eternity.
Sinner: No! No! Burn me in hell! Rip my organs out! Have Jessica Alba rape me but I suddenly can't get an erection! Anything but that! Anything! Anything! Aaaarghhh!!!

Well, I don't mind changing diapers if it was my own kid. In fact, I would relish it, because my life long dream is to be a househusband. (By the way, any woman who is hot and has enough money to support me for life, give me a call. A yacht and a chateau in the South of France is not compulsary, but would help get you on the top of my list.)

Like all men who aspire to be a househusband, we are good with kids (and can make a good soufflé), and have a developed conversational ability. The latter was developed, because growing up, I learnt that somethings will never happen to me, like grow to be 6 feet tall, have chest hair the density of the Amazon rainforest and be able to bench press Sharifah Aini 100 times with one hand.

So I learnt how to be funny, so I can distract girls when men who possess the aforementioned qualities I can never have pass by. Of course, when worse comes to worse and I can't make them laugh, I will lean back on the tried and true method used by guys across the ages: do something stupid to impress her. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it is stupid enough, and funny enough, then you'll get the "Wow!" reaction, like this one, which will somehow make them agree to go on a date with you.

Female I'm trying to impress: Oh wow! You can gulp down a can of beer then squirt it through your nose across the room! With one hand! You're so funny! Ok, so maybe I'll think about that date.

We have seen evidence of this back to the primitive cave men, with drawings on cave walls showing stick men around a mammoth, which is actually a meticulously worked out plan on how to impress a woman.

Cave man: Ok, Bgrhu-gah, you distract the elephant, then when Jes-ghudah passes by, give me the signal so I can tickle its nuts and get stomped. That always makes her laugh. Hey, stop wedging my underloincloth up my head!

Oh, I can also make a good soufflé. Have I told you that?

Thus, with my developed skills--if you're lucky enough to get me, that is, you can brag about me to your friends ("you should try his soufflé!"), my wonderful qualities ("he can make a good soufflé!") and my inherent *EHEM* manliness ("we made love the whole night, then he bench-pressed a soufflé 100 times--with one hand!")

In addition to that, I also have a good eye for colour, so your kid won't look like they were dressed by Eyeris, and I'll drill them in English, so in addition to growing up to be a cute little glamour queen, they can go around and brag that they're the "Grammar Queen," like Minishorts (Hee hee, I made fun of Eyeris and Minishorts at one go, I'm so funny).

By the way, do you want to try my soufflé? Hey, what a coincidence. It looks just like my niece's poo-poo (hee hee, poo-poo). What are you doing? Don't throw up! I spent all afternoon baking it!

Calling out to rich, hot sugarmama's. Rich, hot sugarmama's who are single, give me a call...

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh god... I just about died laughing. Evil uncle you are...

I wouldn't really mind applying for that post, but I don't meet your requirements. Ohwelltoobadcanyoumakeasouffleformeanyway?

BD

2:29 AM  
Anonymous Medusa said...

Captain,
If you have an email addy, I will send you the photo of THE REAL CUTEST NIECE in THE WORLD! My niece.

How about it?

Med

6:55 AM  
Blogger Captain Carcinogen said...

BD: well, er, know anyone who is? lol. well, i cant make u a souffle, cos i just got ran over in a hit and run accident. witnesses said the perpetrator was on a juiced up tricycle with frilly hands, and was the cutest little girl in the world!

Medusa: U know what this means??? You're a big doo doo head!

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Medusa said...

Anything for me niece...what about it then Captain? Wanna see the cutest niece in the world ever?

5:41 PM  
Blogger Captain Carcinogen said...

yeah, sure, whatever.

karsinoma at gmail.com

wait, ur not part of a paedophile ring, are u? because im against exploitation of minors...

2:44 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home