Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Captain Carcinogen's guide to using the Archangel Oracle Cards

1. Open box and inhale the smell that reminds you of school books, hospitals and an unidentified third scent that ups the sleepiness factor. Lie down and nap for 25 minutes, or until refreshed.

2. Stretch, and begin by flicking through the handbook inside.

3. Gasp when you reach the part where she says she's imbued these cards with some divine powers, because it must be damn tough to imbue all 7 million or something cards out there bought by suckers spiritual seekers.

4. Start by desecrating consecrating wait, which one's the good one? consecrating the decks of card, by touching them and concentrating your divine energy on it. If you have digged your ear or nose, you have to wash your hands and repeat it, because if not, you would be desecrating it (yes, that's the bad one).

5. Next, have a question in your mind, and ask the angels for help. Mine goes something like this: "Oh predominantly blond, blue-eyed, scantily dressed Caucasatic divine beings, I beseech your guidance for this conundrum I am in."

6. Shuffle the cards, then take 3 cards from the top and lay them down from left to right in the order they were picked up.

7. The card on the left will be the cards that tells you about your present problem, the middle one tells you the truth about it, and the one on the right tells you what you should be doing.

8. Er...er......left card Causehappystancearoo...middle card Division and Multiplication Well Being...right card The Heavenly Bong...what the hell? I just asked which shirt should I wear today. Couldn't it just have told me, "That red one," or, "Not that green one, it just looks awful on you. It looks like Eyeris picked your clothes for you"

9. Conclude that this is bull, but could be a very successful cult, like all other organized religions.

10. Be proud you skipped lunch for this. But not the cigarette break. Oh, never.

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