Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Nothing to do on an early lunch break

(From here. Some refer to the person, some to the blog. Go figure yourself. I'm out for a smoke.)

I sometimes forget to read Minishorts.

Minishorts is funnier when she's pissed.

If I were alone in a room with Minishorts we would take off our clothes and compare who can get their nipples closer together.

I think Minishorts should be a sex counsellor.

Minishorts needs a "Bunny".

I want to browse for the "Bunny" with Minishorts.

Someday Minishorts will sell a best-selling porn...I mean, romantic novel.

Minishorts reminds me of Angela Carter.

Without Minishorts I would have 5 minutes 44 seconds more in my day.

Memories of Minishorts are PG-13 in nature, but everybody knows otherwise.

Minishorts can be too long for my short attention span.

I thought she was a 15-year-old kid telling me not to swear on my blog is how I describe meeting Minishorts.

Worst thing about Minishorts is her hamsap stories.

Best thing about Minishorts is her hamsap stories.

I am baking chocolate chip cookies with Minishorts.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

3:34 seconds

Ring ring

Click

A: Hello?

CC: Hey

A: It's early

CC: You're up

A: ... So what's up.

CC: I'm out for world domination today. Thought you should know.

A: Really?

CC: No.

A: Aw...

CC: ...

A: ...

CC: Got veggies?

A: Sure.

CC: Taiwan?

A: Here you go.

CC: Hey, I gave a five. Where's my change?

A: Sheesh...

CC: ...

A: ...

CC: Oi, apa diam ni?

A: Kau yang diam dulu.

CC: Anyway, gotta go.

A: Umpfh...go go go.

CC: Ok, I'll call you later.

A: No, I'll call.

CC: No, I'll call.

A: No, I will.

CC: No, I'm cheaper.

A: No, I'm cheaper.

CC: No, I'm the slut, ok? I'll call.

A: No, I'm the desperate housewife. I'll call.

CC: No, I'm...FINE. I'm out of money this month anyway. You know what stress does to you.

A: Smoking? Again? I thought you quit.

CC: Er...

A: Bad boy. Kids shouldn't smoke.

CC: Like you're old.

A: Mentally, I'm your grandma.

CC: So you'll still love me for my adolescent innocence, right?

A: Maaaaybeee...

CC: Bitch. See ya.

A: Bye.

Some phone calls should last forever.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Captain Carcinogen's guide to using the Archangel Oracle Cards

1. Open box and inhale the smell that reminds you of school books, hospitals and an unidentified third scent that ups the sleepiness factor. Lie down and nap for 25 minutes, or until refreshed.

2. Stretch, and begin by flicking through the handbook inside.

3. Gasp when you reach the part where she says she's imbued these cards with some divine powers, because it must be damn tough to imbue all 7 million or something cards out there bought by suckers spiritual seekers.

4. Start by desecrating consecrating wait, which one's the good one? consecrating the decks of card, by touching them and concentrating your divine energy on it. If you have digged your ear or nose, you have to wash your hands and repeat it, because if not, you would be desecrating it (yes, that's the bad one).

5. Next, have a question in your mind, and ask the angels for help. Mine goes something like this: "Oh predominantly blond, blue-eyed, scantily dressed Caucasatic divine beings, I beseech your guidance for this conundrum I am in."

6. Shuffle the cards, then take 3 cards from the top and lay them down from left to right in the order they were picked up.

7. The card on the left will be the cards that tells you about your present problem, the middle one tells you the truth about it, and the one on the right tells you what you should be doing.

8. Er...er......left card Causehappystancearoo...middle card Division and Multiplication Well Being...right card The Heavenly Bong...what the hell? I just asked which shirt should I wear today. Couldn't it just have told me, "That red one," or, "Not that green one, it just looks awful on you. It looks like Eyeris picked your clothes for you"

9. Conclude that this is bull, but could be a very successful cult, like all other organized religions.

10. Be proud you skipped lunch for this. But not the cigarette break. Oh, never.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Join the cause

Look, guys, I gotta ask you something, and you gotta answer me truthfully, because being honest can change your life forever.

Questions:

-Has a female ever punched you on the shoulder?

-Kicked you in the stomach? Or your shins?

-Whacked in the face? Pinched at your side abdomens? (man, I hate that one the most) Or even threatened with a weapon like a chair or any other possibly damaging objects within her reach just for making a passing remark? A very very very innocent, but possibly naughty remark?

-Does she giggle while beating you up, seemingly happy with injuring you like a sadist, not caring about the potential physical pain and mental anguish you would have to face?

Then step out of the darkness, males, speak up and stand up for yourself and join this newly created group, Stop Violence Against Men Now, Damnit.

Men beating woman has been emphasised so much that our plight has been neglected, in fact, women beating men has been an accepted norm in society. We should not tolerate being treated like this, like we're all punching bags, ready for them to abuse at anytime of day.

We deserve better! We're human beings with feelings and emotions too, damnit!

Repeat after me: A pat in the back for a good joke, yes! A full slap on the back, no!

Act now, brother, act now, support SVAMND's cause now before it's too late. If you're getting beaten often by a female just because of what you said (even if it's very very nice but a little bit naughty, just a little bit), stop tolerating it. Move away from her, do not let her restrict your freedom of speech, and remember to help other brothers in need who also face such torment.

The first step starts with you. Remember, your actions could save a brother today...

If I could be...

Hm...this seems fun. Was posted by Eyeris (Careful! He might have his eye up your skirt!) asking the 999,999 ringgit question: If I could be a priest...

Oh, in case you're wondering, the million ringgit question is whether I like my peanut butter chunky or creamy.

In case you do wonder, neither. I prefer jam.

So, let's get going...

If I could be a writer, I'd be filthy rich, since churches worldwide would buy 10 million of my books to burn in protest for being "anti-christ and "corrupting our children." Thank you. I enjoy corrupting them too.

If I could be a movie producer, all my movies would feature Jessica Alba, and every scene would be a shower scene.

If I could be a world famous blogger, I would not be associated with Eyeris.

If I could be a bonnie pirate, Keira Knightley would be involved in here somehow.

And...

The question we've waited for so long.

(Camera zooms in)

Here it is.

If I could be a priest, that means I have developed a liking to fondle little kids'...much, much older sister, who is at least 21, and is fully consensual about it.

And now I'm supposed to pick three people to...ah, who cares. Just go to Eyeris' blog and begin another one yourself. But be nice, or he won't give you a cookie. (Well, if he doesn't give them out, he should by now)