Wednesday, March 30, 2005

My new favourite picture

Ignorance, ignorance

All my friends in Australia are having a 3-day Easter Break. Honestly, this made me feel ignorant because I wasn't aware that the Easter Bunny is so revered by Christians.

But at least it does prove that religion is good for one thing: chocolate.

Mmm...chocolate. This reminds me of my Kinder Bueno addiction day.

Mmm...Kinder Bueno.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Conversations with God

I'm sitting there on the couch, minding my own business, when the cacophony of construction sounds appear out of nowhere.

"What the..???" was all I can think of. This can't be right.

Stepping out into the balcony, I see that men are doing renovation work on the apartment right next to me, which as it happens, shares the same balcony and wall with me.

All this on top of my recent gastric-throw-up-everything-including-water-fest, bronchitis, heartburn, problems applying for higher education, money woes which lead to borrowing money from friend and now leads to figuring out how to pay back friend, having to move out of my apartment to my dad's friend's apartment a few floors below, which smells like a dead cat. And now I have to contend with mind-numbing drilling and hammering for as long as I'm awake?

"Why God why???" I shout.

"Because I can," he says, leaning back on the rattan chair, still deeply absorbed in molding something out of clay. "Plus, you've been living the good life before this what...susah-susah sikit pun..."

"Look, dude, you know that's not true," I counter. "It wasn't that great. In fact, many would deem it horrible and if they were to plot a graph based on my childhood, I would be an axe murderer right now."

"But you had a roof over your head, didn't starve...ok, at least, not much, and you didn't break a bone.Others live in the street, starved to death, broke all the bones in their body, and only have 2 channels on their tv. Wouldn't that already be cause to celebrate?"

"Fine, fine, I see your point," I reply, exasperated. There's no beating this guy. "You know, if you weren't the most powerful being in the entire universe, I'd jump on you and kill you now."

"Sure you would," says God. Standing up, he puts the clay figure he's been molding up to the light and examines it from all angles. "Ok, this looks done," and with that confirmation he puts the figure close to his mouth and blows life into it. The thing automatically gets concscious, sputters, kicks, and then falls to the floor clutching its throat.

"Oh, shit, it's not built for this atmosphere," he remembers. Taking out a jar from thin air, he puts the creature in it and then seals it tight. A strange yellow mist appears in the jar.

"What is that thing?" I ask, looking at a creature that seems to resemble Gollum, if he was yellow, had 8 arms, and had his hair done by a topiary artist.

"This," he replies, putting the jar on the coffee table, "will be the dominant creature in a planet 100 million light years away. It will take over the planet, kill all the animals, pollute it recklessly, and then claim they're perfectly made in the image of me, and will kill each other claiming I told them to."

"Gee, that's original," I retort.

Pulling out a roll of cigarettes from behind his ear, God places it in between his lips, and with a point at the tip, a streak of lightning zig zags in from the open window to the tip, lighting it up.

"Hey, hey, hey, no smoking indoors man! The ash will get all over the carpets! Can't you see?" I shout.

"It's ok, there won't be any ashes," he says, smiling.

"Anyway, why on earth are you smoking?"

"Indestructible lungs," says God, thumping his chest. At the same rhythm as the thumps, a rumbling of thunder could be heard, somewhere in the vicinity.

"Woops," says God, peering out of the balcony. "I think I hit someone."

"Really?"

"Nah, just kidding. Anyway, I gotta go." Placing the jar under the arm, He waves and disappears with the words "Be nice" ringing endlessly in the air.

"Ok, I will."

Friday, March 04, 2005

He loves you and he wants your money

I followed my friend to church a couple of weeks back. It's my second time following him there out of boredom, and I like to find out just how other religions are first hand (haven't went to temples before though, maybe next time) and from what I can see, I believe the church is just one big money grubbing institution.

One of the speakers sent out this collecting pouch and asked us to donate generously.

"Don't just give your spare change! Give freely! Willingly! For it is to build the kingdom of god! Show your love!"

Of course, my friend didn't give any, since he doesn't agree with this aspect of the church. I'd like to tell him that the rest of the church isn't very agreeable too, but since I happen to be confined in it, I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Somehow, I have a feeling when the sermon ends, the pastor will go, "This sermon was brought to you by Coca-Cola, the refreshing drink, and Adidas, the brand with 3 stripes."

***

Anyway, I just found out why the Interfaith Commission was put on hold. Apparently all of the major religions can't agree on the correct shape of the spaceship that will come and save us. Some say it looks like the Starship Enterprise, other said it looks like a Millennium Falcon... But the good news is, they all agree it can go on hyperdrive. So, it should be ok...

I think I'm just paranoid

I just quit smoking, and I feel fine. I think. Great. Sure, I feel a little paranoid, and everybody seems a little hostile, but still... Let me go online, talk to some people, maybe I'll forget about lighting one up.

Ok. Let's turn MSN on...

*Ting!*

ribroast79: hi. what's up

Hi? What do you mean hi, what's up? There's nothing up there but my ceiling...damnit, did you install a camera there???? You're watching me now, aren't you?

Hei, mister, what are you doing online at this time??? How did you know I'm online??? I know it's just 9! Don't you try to change the topic! You're saying hi to me? Don't tell ME you're saying hi to me! Oh, I know all of the little tricks you have up your sleeve.You're just trying to drive me crazy!

The newspapers??? There's nothing in the newspapers! They're all fake news written by the shadow government to keep us happy and pleased. Did you seriously believe all the news in a day can fit into a paper? BAAAH!!

There's nothing! Nothing people! Nothing! The spaceship isn't going to come and save us! We're all lost and alone in this world!

What is that you say? Nicotine patches can help me from ranting like a mad idiot? Well, guess what, smarty pants, I tried it, and it did nothing! It's not the same. I tried lighting it up but it burnt my lips. Oh, I see it know, so that's what you were trying to do. You're trying to kill me!

Leave me alone! Go! Leave me alone!

...

Huhuhu...

I want my mummy...

p/s: the moral of this story is, when your dad offers you a cigarrete when you're 9, winks and then he tells you not to tell your mum, don't smoke it.