Saturday, February 26, 2005

To all my goyims

Anonymous said...
"This site is a Jews and Christian propaganda to disorientate the reading muslims.You muslims out there the truth is in the holy Quran and Hadith."

Yes! You are so true! This site is a jewish propaganda machine meant to make Muslims stray from the one true path!! Muahahaha! All you goyims, bow down and dust my yamulkah! Everyday is Chanukah!

And since I know that Islam is the one true path, it must make sense that I want to stray you from it, because I want us all to be burned together! Burned for eternity! Burned and burned and have our skin ripped and our body pierced endlessly while dancing on the eternal flames of hell! Forever!! And ever!

Bow down to me or face the wrath of Rabbi Carcinogen.


Friday, February 18, 2005

Shit. They rock.

God of the day

(Today my god is Jah. I cycle through gods for the heck of it.)

Dear Jah,

I picked you as my "God of the day" because I found out two things about you. One, that you promote smoking ganja, or "wisdom weed" as you call it . Two, that you don't promote smoking cigarettes, since it is unnatural and is harmful to your health.

(Yes, I do not get it either and am rolling my eyes. I believe you saw that eye-rolling, since my back is singed by that lightning you just sent down.)

And since I am not a big fun of drugs but love to smoke, you would understand now that I picked you because nothing makes my day more than pissing a god off.


Friday, February 11, 2005

I hate hypocritical Muslims

(First, thanks to TV Smith for linking me in his post stereotyping. Now my readership has doubled from 2 to 4. Many props to you. Now back to the post.)

Since I’ve moved to KL, everytime I meet a Muslim in KL, I would usually go to many lengths to hide the fact that I’m a Muslim. I don’t really look Malay anyway; I’m a Dusun mixed with Bajau, making me look ambiguously Malay with dashes of Chinese, so I usually get away.

But then, it’s not because I’m ashamed of being a Muslim. It’s just that when they find out I don’t believe in God, they start to break into this spiel of theirs, which I suspect they have rehearsed many, many times. Oh, they might be worse than me they say, they might be a heavier drinkers than I am they say, womaniser, gambler, cheater, stealer, they say, but it always ends with:

“…jahat-jahat aku ni, percaya jugak aku ada tuhan.”

“…tau jugak aku yasin.”

“…sembahyang Jumaat jugak aku kadang-kadang (what kadang-kadang? Is that any better?)”

And in that beautiful, rosy world of theirs which is filled as much sin as mine, they’re ok. They’re the good ones. They’re the ones god puts into his bosom and sends them to that promised heaven for them to languish in joy and splendour for eternity. And I’m going to hell.

Yes, I will. So what? I don’t give jackshit. So what if you believe in god? So what if you know the first page of Yasin? So what if you sometimes go for the Friday prayers? Does that make you so much more better than me already? We are both filled in shit neck high; stop trying to mask your stench with cheap deodorant. Accept the fact that we’re both in the same ship: sinking in the sea of sin with nowhere in sight, just flailing enough to stay afloat in it. Stop being such a fucking hypocrite.

Are you telling me that’s how a good Muslim is defined by? By how much they remember? By how they still make that very occasional visit to the mosque? By the number of times they stand, bend and bow in the direction of the Ka’abah in their lifetime?

Why are those the qualities? Was there some kind of mix-up when god gave us instructions on how to be a good human being? Shouldn’t we be defined by our values, our ethics as a human being, how we treat those around us

So being an ethical human being who doesn’t cause trouble to people around them isn’t enough?

What kind of a god is that? If that really is the god I’m supposed to pray in this religion that I’m born in, which, might I add, did not choose but can’t escape from, why should I bother praying to him?

Isn’t that weird? There’s this god who makes it illegal and even punishable for death to denounce your religion. What, you afraid I’m leaving? Shouldn’t you know by now whether I’m leaving you or not? You are, after all, G.O.D.

Ever since I could remember, I never felt compelled to pray to him, read stuff for him, singing praises to him, glory glory god, thank you for creating me, despite what my parents and local ustaz have thought me.

He MADE me. Why is someone so powerful, who can create the whole universe out of nothingness, run the planets in the orbit, and make the sun rise and fall, wants me to kiss his ass endlessly? Why does he want to be PRAISED?

Isn’t wanting to be praised a human need, the vain feeling that you should be acknowledged for what you did for them?

“Yes, but C.C., don’t you want to be acknowledged? Don’t you feel pissed if you did something for someone and they didn’t even bother thanking you?”

Wait, if god has the same emotions as I do, then shouldn’t that immediately make him NOT god already? Doesn’t that automatically disqualify him from being the supreme eternal being?

Because we all know, that emotions like anger and feeling short-changed are human infallibilities?

If he is god, he should distant himself from the creatures he created. He cannot be like us. If he also feels emotions, imagine what else he would share with us. Would he read the paper in the morning too? Would he be at the local mamak stall calling out, “Boss!” for a teh tarik?

If so, he must not be god. He must be something else. So humans aren’t made in the image of god. It’s the contrary, however. He must be a god created in the image of humans.

It is just a natural need for us humans to know that there is something running the things in the background, making trees sprout from the ground, tearing the heavens apart to give us the life-giving gift of rain. It is unexplainable, so there must be a divine being doing it. And so comes in god to fill in that void in our minds.

“My, that sure explains everything that happened in life. God made it that way!”

And then, as humans, since we live in a society where every action has a repercussion, we started giving out punishments to ensure a society peaceful enough for us to share.

So, obviously, if we were to make a god, he must give worse punishments. He won’t whip you 20 times, then make you pay a fee once. Oh no, he’ll make you pay for eternity. Forever.

Then isn’t that some kind of a sick god? He’s omniscient, all knowing, ever present, neither here nor there but everywhere, looking into our minds, sitting on our couch, hovering all around us, seeing what we do, not predicting, but KNOWING our next moves, and then making us suffer in eternity for something he knew we’d do all along anyway. How could he blame us for something he could already foresee? Why not just throw us in hell the day we were born to save time?

He knows the past, present, future, and whatever time there is in between, but he’s going to punish me for eternity because I did something he already knew about since I was small blood clot in my mum’s womb. If you know that I’m going to step into that bar and down some
Chivas, why not come down before I step in and bitch-slap me and go, “Hey, BIATCH, don’t step your feet into the devil’s establishment?”

Some might argue he gives us free will. We are free to choose what we want to do, so it is obviously our fault, even if he knows. Free will? For what? What’s the point of free will if he already knows what we’re doing next? That’s not free will. That’s like saying we can choose any colour, as long as it’s black. Wouldn’t our choices inevitably be the ones that have been written in his book a long long time ago? The number of times I’m smoking tomorrow, the colour of the first house I own, the size of my next girlfriend’s breast and whether she smells nice, wouldn’t that be predetermined already?

Wouldn’t free will be pointless? Why not make us mindless drones who toil all day making endless monuments in praise of you? Isn’t that what you would want? People saying your name all day, thanking you endlessly for being put on earth?

Is watching humans roaming around mindlessly, doing everyday things so entertaining to you, god? Is this your version of the Sims? Aren’t there other things you can do to waste time, like knitting or curling up on your sofa with a good book on a rainy day? (Hell, I’m sure you can make it rain whenever you want). Can’t you get a life? Is eternity really that long?

Now, let me assure you that despite my dislike of god (to put it likely) I don’t hate everyone with religion. If you have a religion, it’s fine with me. If you live by his tenets, hey, whatever you want, knock yourself out. It’s your choice. I have friends who are genuinely nice people and are highly religious, who I believe should be the models of how people with religion should be, and I fully appreciate their friendship. I do get into debates with them on god, but we agreed to respect each other on our views, and I believe that’s how things should be. I don’t like religion, and I will comment on it, but if you believe in it, well, good for you then.

What I cannot stand, though, are hypocrites, people who subscribe to religion yet barely follow it, and then start condemning me and giving me speeches of how much “better” they are since they memorised some lines (what is this? Is the afterlife a test you’re supposed to cram for?

Shouldn’t it be all practical?) and how I should “change” my ways, that I’m destined for hell, that I should repent while I still can. Oh, shut up. Just how much better are you than I am?
I live my life by my rules, not according to what these books that god supposedly sent down. I do what I do based on my own personal views and values. As long as I don’t trouble or hurt anybody, hey, then it should be ok.

Now I got to leave. There are some sins I have to attend to.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Modern prayer for a smoking addict with lung cancer

Dear Lord Of Darkness/Satan/Lucifer/Iblis,

I have been a very good boy this year. A very, very good boy this year. Not only do I open the door for girls I go out with, I also graciously accept their offer to split the bill, because I know giving is as important as receiving. Plus, I would also not pretend to be someone I'm not, which is getting a woman's attention through buying things for her. I am charming enough for her to like me the way I am.

I know that if I were to die today, I would go to heaven for my good deeds, the kind, pious, mother-loving human I am. So could you please come down (or up, depending where hell really is) to stick your hands through my lungs and remove all the tar and the cancer I have in there? I need to live long enough to prove I deserve to be in hell.

I promise that if you fulfill this prayer of mine, I would go out and find a virgin to sacrifice to you on the next full moon. I am sure that would please you very much, because you know how hard it is to find a virgin in Klang Valley. Maybe you should've thought twice before whispering them to get into a state of sin and corpulate with the closest person of the opposite sex, or the same sex, depending on their orientation.

In addition, I would get pentagram shaped sport rims for my car in honour of you.

A god-loving person bathed in a halo of light,


(This prayer will work. I know. I watched Constantine. Was that last part cool or what?)

Saturday, February 05, 2005

So you looking for an apartment?

The owners of my apartment, these two woman came by today, bringing with them a couple who are prospective tenants.

They gave them a look around the apartment, and I was hoping I could show the prospective tenants around by myself.

"Yes, if you would step in the kitchen, you can see the greasy counter top and that ventilator thing over the stove that I accidentally burnt.

And that's the couch. Yes, that old, worn out one with cushions that looked like they just exploded. It used to be blue. Anyway, my cats have scratched all over the sides of the couch, leaving chic, tasteful claw marks all over it, and there's this musty, pungent odour over it, to give it that old, repugnant couch feel.

And if you would step out here into the balcony, you can have a nice view of the better apartments next door. Oh, sometimes there's this psycho on that opposite apartment on the 4th floor who uses a telescope to peer in here. It's ok, just keep your curtains closed. And I didn't pick these peppermint green curtains, ok? It was here all along. If it was up to me, it'd be midnight blue."

Before they left, the owners gave me the overdue bills my dad hasn't paid. I looked over it and said, "Rent plus bills plus electricity...Damn, 5100? Looks like I got to leave this country soon."

"What?" said one of them.

"Oh, no, nothing."

After they were given a spin around the apartment, the owners told me there'll be another one coming later. They looked at the clock. It showed 6.30 p.m "Anytime now," they told me.

They then went outside the apartment to wait for the prospective tenants.

After about half an hour, they still haven't arrived, and I'm about to go out, so I just decided to leave the door unlocked; they'll know what to do.

Outside, I saw them still waiting for the other prospective tenants. Any chance they coming before Chinese New Year, 2006?

I asked them, and they told me the prospective tenant's still aren't here yet. I decided to kid them a little, so I said, "Oh, wait, you can't show them the attic; that's where I keep the dead bodies."

They bursted out laughing.

"Nah, just kidding," I told them, "there's just a lot of books strewn around."

Anyway, with all the books I own, I can't afford to pick fights with arsonists; I'm such an easy target.