Monday, January 31, 2005

Of commercials with tongkat ali and clowns

I have to wonder about the new Power Root tongkat ali commercial. They have Anuar Zain and Zahid promoting it, like it was some kind of new shoe or something.

And then, for no apparent reason, Zahid, along with some back-up dancers (all decked in orange clothes, of course) start to do a dance.

Excuse me??? Is there some kind of hidden meaning here? Are they trying to tell me something?

"We can't help it! We're so glad to have an erection!"

In fact, if they played a song in the background that went, "If you have an erection and you know it, move your feet," I will not be surprised.

Or does it make your blood rush throughout your body, you start to feel some other body stiffening into an erection, you have to move it to make sure your joints aren't locked? Shouldn't there be a sign, at least in unreadeble small print that goes, "May cause erection in other undesired body parts"?

Because, can you imagine, one day you're lining up, maybe at the bank or something, and then some dude behind you, who happened to down a couple cans of tongkat ali, suddenly pokes you with some stiff object?

You turn around, you see a guy trying to balance himself on one leg like a ballerina while the other leg's stiff and sticking straight out at you.

"Hey, sorry man, the blood went the wrong way!"

Of course, when that happens, you should only thank god it was a leg. It could've been worse. The thing that poked you might have been something with no bendable joints and doesn't branch out at the end.

Then there's that Nokia commercial with the clowns. If you don't know, it's the one where there's that guy who's sitting around bored and then these clowns parachute down to where he's at and start to do, erm, clowny stuff and supposedly entertain him.

Now I don't know about you, but if I were sitting around minding my own business and then these clowns parachute down to where I'm at and start to run around me, I'll be FUCKING TERRIFIED.

What were they thinking? Keeping tabs on me and then AMBUSHING me when I'm ALONE.

I won't go, "Hahahaha!" when I see them. I'd go, "Holy fuck! You're FOLLOWING ME! SOMEONE HELP!" then pick up the biggest stick I can find and beat them senseless.

And the most ridiculous ad to me, of course, is the "Beautiful Woman" ad, a cream that supposedly, if rubbed constantly, and vigorously enough...ok, just constantly, will give you bigger ya-ya's.

Then comes in this well endowed woman in the chest department, wearing a bra, and she starts to jump around, apparently in glee, her breasts bouncing up and down. Now can you imagine the kind of message she is sending out to all the women out there?

"Look people! My breasts are big and bouncy! When I jog they slap me in the face and the knees! But that's ok! Because I'm beautiful!"

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I'm a damned Muslim

Way to go moral officers!

Anyway, when I was in Penang, I remember seeing a beautiful mosque, but I can't go in. The kind of Muslim I am, with my excessive smoking/drinking/eating pork/prodding the belly of my neighbour's dog, I might be struck by lightning when I step in it.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Why am I not there?

I don't have a computer so right now I'm typing this from a CC with crappy computers. The computers are so slow you'd think it's running on a 386. To give you an idea of how slow the computers here are, I played solitaire on it,

I'm moving to Bukit Jalil soon, near a multimillion ringgit sports complex nobody can use because the sports administrators in Malaysia are dumbasses. Right now I'm living in an over-priced apartment. The price is jacked up simply because the place is about 10kms away from the KLCC twin towers. It's not like they're that great anyway; the carpark layout is crappy. But then, what can you expect from architects who are obsessed with everything vertical; thinking horizontally is too tough for them.

Someday I want to make a movie which has ninjas and Nigella Lawson in the same scene. Nigella Lawson will look good, as usual, and then cook something for the ninjas, like roast lamb. And then the ninjas will help her skewer the meat by sticking a ninja sword through it, then later chop it up using ninja skills and eat it using shurikens because they're too cool for forks. (She'll squeeze some drops of lemon on it, which was cut by chopping both ends of then cutting the skin off by cutting it in a square shape. I know this because I watched Forever Summer With Nigella: Yellow. Shh...nobody knows I watch it.)