Monday, February 06, 2006

To all my goyims (part 2)

Ah...my goyims, is it not beautiful?

Look, look out the windows now (if you happen to live near a Danish embassy in a Muslim fundamentalist country like Syria or the likes, that is.)

Open your eyes. Do you not see all these angry Muslim mobs, burning buildings, issuing death threats, all because we released the caricatures of Prophet Muhammad with a bomb on his turban to imply that Islam is a violent religion?

Ah, yes, it is us, the Jews, who have masterminded this. Do you not know that we are the string pullers behind all the important newspapers in the world, which is an important part of our propaganda machine?

Not only that, we also own HBO, Star World and MTV, where we teach people that it's cool to be friends with homosexuals. Our leader has taken a liking to rap recently, which is why you see so much of them nowadays. I can't really stomach them, but our leader apparently is getting in touch with his ghetto side. So much so, he has released a rap album, using his "hood name," Big Daddy Jew. His first single, "I stabbed the messiah (but I didn't see him resurrected)" should be a big hit, considering that it is produced by the Neptunes and features Semitic Doggy Dogg, an up and coming rapper from back East.

It's a hot track, homies yo. Remember, buy the original.

By the way, where was I? Oh yeah! We have power! Power! We just have to make a cartoon depicting Muslims as anything we want, and they'll prove us wrong by being exactly what we depict them as!

I nearly inserted a picture of Muhammad in a Jordan jersey, but can you imagine if that happened? Muslims will start practicing basketball, and soon enough, there'll be Muslim's in the NBA, dunking over Yao Ming and Shaq! Just because they want to prove us wrong! (Or right. I don't know. These Muslims confuse me.)

And I can't accept that, nonono. A Muslim MVP? Ptui! Not in my Jewish controlled league which is meant as a distraction for the world so that we can use the time they wasted to get a headstart in planning how to take over the world via subliminal propaganda!

Ah, that is all for now, goyims. Leader, I mean, Big Daddy Jew is calling. He wants me to go "pimp" his car. Ah, the tyranny of being an assistant.

Until then, shalom.

Yours truly,
Rabbi Carcinogen

Friday, February 03, 2006

The stupidest thing I have heard this year

While helping a friend who drank too much and is green all over her face, I helped her to a ditch and told her to throw up. Somehow, it couldn't come out, so I gave her some suggestions.

CC: You know, try sticking your finger down your throat. It'll help you throw up.
Friend: I was bulimic! I know what to do! Shut up!
CC:...
Friend: Urgh...bwargh...greeeaauuh...(supper and last night's food comes flying down the drain)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Oh, so YOU'RE not irritated by the haze?

I think I've been living in Kl a little too long.

I went up to Genting, you know, mountains, clean air, trees? Yeah, so, while I was on the way there, I encountered mist. And I know I've been living in KL too long when I said:

'Whoa. Haze."

It took me a 5 second rethink before I realised it should be, "Whoa. Mist."

Hm. And since we're on haze, let me talk about it some more.

So I was reading The Star that day (support Eyeris, y'all), and there was this short news on the Reader's Digest survey on things that irritates Malaysians most. So I scrolled down the top 20, and I was surprised. Why? Because the haze isn't even in the top 20!!!

What the fuck is that? Hard to open plastic wrappers irritate us more than the haze! In fact, let me quote it, "the survey found that hard to open plastic wrapping on an item annoyed people tremendously, with 40% of respondents labelling it as either extremely irritating or irritating."

Are we stupid? Are we brainless? Now that irritates us more than smoke all around? And they complain that people smoking in public irritates them? They think I'M irritating? Smoking in public places is higher than the haze! That's stupid. So, it'll be like, it's okay to make smoke permeate your body via all available orifices, reduced visibility on the road, cause lung, throat and nose problems, watery eyes, hardness of breathe, disrupted work days, but it's NOT COOL to smoke in public, AND when the smoke is blown away from you like all respectful smokers in my class and calibre do?

What more, bad dvers irritate us more than haze? I was going, what? Even cussing is higher than haze! Motherfucker. What the hell is wrong with us Malaysians?!

Don't you know what kind of message that sends to those Indonesians who caused the haze?

Malaysian: Yeah, I know you caused the haze, but that's alright man. Just make sure you keep to the speed limit, keep a respectful distance from my car and always, always keep to the left lane when you're going slow. Ooh, and don't swear. Because, whoa, if you do any of this, I'm gonna kick your ass."

Get your priority straight, bitches.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I love the cops.

But I have a feeling they won't love me when they see me wearing this badge...















PS: Just trying to remind them of their duties, y'know...

PPS: If you're a Malaysian and you don't get the relevance, you suck!

PPPS: Man, won't my friends kick me out of their cars if I ever wear this badge in public...

PPPPS: I've been itching to make this badge the moment I saw the "Saya anti-rasuah" badges on the police force. Anyone know where I can go and make some customized badges like these?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Neck Breather's Club

I went to the ATM this afternoon...

Q: ATM? What for?
A: Play tetris.
Q: Ah.
A: No, you idiot. Withdraw money.

Anyway, while I was pressing the digits for the pin code, I felt a weird pressing feeling behind my neck, like a nose. I turned around, and right behind me, was a nose--attached to a guy who had his face about 2 miimetres away from me, the same distance I was from the screen when I watched Jessica Alba's scene in Sin City.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one who enjoys breathing up people's neck, as evident by the 4 other guys behind him who are practically an erection away from making contact with each other. These people, (proud?) members of the Neck Breathers Club AKA the NBC mystify me. How could closing in on the guy in front of you (and BREAAAATHING on his neck) make him go any faster? God knows I'm trying my best to withdraw the money. In fact, I'd open the machine up and just grab some 50 ringgit notes and walk away, but apparently that's illegal in all 14 (15?) states and 2 (3?) federal territories in Malaysia, so, like everybody else I have to push in the pincode, enter the amount, get my card, make some tea, then get my money, so I'd appreciate it if you would keep your distance.

My view is not mine alone, by the way. According to a recent survey done by the C Carcinogen Times, 94% of people "do not enjoy being an inch away from being violated in a public place when there's so much fucking space goddamnit would you move away a little?"

Of course, that survey is false, and I inserted it because I have nothing better to do, so we can ignore it. But according to an unofficial survey I did this afternoon, with the sample being 4 people, including me, I found out that 100% of people "hate having somebody breathe down your neck when you're lining up on the ATM god knows I'm not moving any faster." (Survey also indicated that 100% of the sample find chocolate chip cookies "tasty and somewhat satisfying")

So, you see???? The numbers back me up! Back the fuck up! No grinding in public! The line will only move faster if for some god forsaken reason Jessica Alba happened to line up behind me and said, "Let's get married for no particular reason," to which I'll reply, "Ok," which will lead to us having hot, wild, passionate sex and then opening a joint bank account, thus reducing one person from the line.

But until that happens, or quadruplegic bears can form a string quartet then release a record then perform at Carnegie Hall, let's keep our distance. At least 20 feet, or enough space to fit in 4 Sharifah Aini's and 1 Siti Nurhaliza, belly to belly to belly to belly to (some) bosom.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

You cannot beat your old man at his own game

My dad: (Revs up old second hand Mercedes which broke down 23 times 2 hours after being bought.) Bah, masuklah.
CC: Ini? Bukan hiasan seja ka ni? Oh...(Looks around car. Fake enthusiasm.)
My dad: (Sarcastic smile) Masuk. Jangan banyak cakap.
CC: (Closes door) Bukan sudah mati enjin banyak kali ka benda ni? Kalau mati tengah highway, macam mana?
My dad:: Itulah saya ambil kau. Supaya boleh kasi sorong ni kereta nanti. Kau ingat kenapa?
CC: WTF%&^(&^(*&$(!*& (Shuts his yap)
Dad: (Smug smile. Tallies the score since the day I was born: Dad: 4762. CC: 2)

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Don't wanna get embarrassed? Make sure you have friends from other races

Ok, my housemate, J, bless his soul, is a nice guy. He's a Chinese guy, who went to sekolah rendah Cina, sekolah menengah Cina, kolej Cina...I mean, The Premier Affordable Private College AKA TARC, and so he doesn't hang out that much with Malays, which he told me, so he told me he's not really sure what we Malays do/know/read/watch, and that is relevant to this story.

Well, last Monday night, I was watching Project A on tv, you know, that Jackie Chan movie where there was this classic scene (to me, at least) where there were these gangsters chasing Jackie, and they were all going around in bicycles through back alleys and Jackie pwned them all while keeping his ass on the seat 90% of the time.

So there I was, laughing at this movie eventhough I've watched it nearly 7 million times, which always makes it seem as if I've never watched it before. And that was probably what went through my housemate's mind, because he then came and sat on the couch on my right and asked me, "You know that guy ah? quite famous one."

Now on the tv there was Yuen Bao and Sammo Hung in the same scene as Jackie, and I thought, "(read this with a reverbing voice, by the way) Well, maybe he's asking me about Yuen Bao or Sammo, they're not that famous here, he can't possibly be talking about..."

"JACKIE CHAN! Very famous actor!"

And when I heard me tell me that, I just laughed and laughed...because god! How could he think I don't know Jackie Chan! Everybody in Asia knows Jackie! I practically grew up imitating his moves! I jumped off my cupboard and tore the sole of my feet off because I wanted to be him!

Laughing at him, or rather, his comment probably was too much, because he seemed pretty embarrassed after that, which made me laugh even more. He probably thought that he offended me, which isn't true, because he just seemed like those innocent guys who rarely mix with other races, and thus don't know what I know.

I bet he doesn't know that growing up, 3/4 of my friends are Chinese, because I happen to do things which always makes me bump in with them. Like playing basketball, passing my tests so I always get into the top science classes...you know, the usual Chinese jig. I don't have that many Indian friends, because, according to my Indian friend Pre...I mean, Master P, the government don't care about Indians and so they keep them in the "ghetto's". By the way, Master P always does the Westside sign to me, and I always wonder what does he mean by Westside. Klang?

Egads. But I digress. I wanted to say to J, "You bet I only listen to XPDC and Kromok right? Eh, and tomorrow how about we indulge in some Chinese delicacies like mooncake. Then later you can talk about the hot Malay bitches that you saw today because frankly you think we're aight rite?" but that guy got enough for one day. I'll let him go this time.

Aw, cmon J! It was funny! Funny! Don't run to your room. Cmon man! We'll mumble some Jay Chou lyrics today! Bonding! Bonding!

Ah, god, I love that guy.